★ ｡ﾟ•┈꒰ა ♡ ໒꒱┈• ｡ﾟ(03/25/2026) ☆

to whoever stole my dinky little digital camera Friday night, you are evil. truly believe only an evil person could do something like that after seeing that the SD card in it was FILLED with so many pictures that i now no longer have. evil, evil, evil. heinous. i am so sad about that. such is life.

anyways.
i'm noticing interacting with you always leaves me in a bad mood.

★ ｡ﾟ•┈꒰ა ♡ ໒꒱┈• ｡ﾟ(03/25/2026) ☆

every time i spend some time away from here, i come back feeling embarrassed about what i've previously chosen to share. which is kind of silly. because i don't share much. and i don't really mind random people on the interwebs seeing a small glimpse of my inner monologue, assuming it's even read. which i've only recently learned that is not constant for everyone btw. i cannot get my brain to shut the fuck up. ever. probably plays a large part in my original point, the feeling embarrassed part.

trying to navigate life has felt so incredibly back-breaking as of late. life is difficult! there is still lots of good, but i'm having to practice mindfulness in reminding myself that. it's been getting lost in all of the bad. i am lucky to have people in my life who love me. sometimes i deny myself the right to fully understand or rather accept that. i struggle with a self-defeating self-perception. but they love me, and to deny that is to deny their efforts in reminding me of it. i am loved and cared for! stupid fuck brain.
i had a realization yesterday that i go about life in a way that's rooted in my feeling like i am not an important... person, i guess. i spend so much time alone. and ultimately, i am ok with that. i'm very introverted and don't mind hanging out with myself. but i can recognize sometimes i isolate myself to an unhealthy degree. and thinking about that while uber high last night (god help me), i realized my negative self-perception can be really selfish. "to deny that is to deny their efforts in reminding me of it." < --- similar idea. i find it difficult to believe that i am an important enough presence in anyone's life for them to want to spend time with or talk to me in a way that makes it matter when i get overwhelmed and isolate myself. like, if i'm there, cool. if i'm not, it's whatever. you know? of course sometimes my brain tries to convince me that i am like the most annoying person to walk this planet and everyone actually can't stand me, but i know that's not realistic and take to that neutral outlook instead. which is still not good. i cannot keep unintentionally ignoring people or denying their efforts to spend time with me just because i'm an anxious POS and i've convinced myself that i am not important enough for it to actually matter to anyone. i am shooting myself in the foot and i am over it!!!!!!! god.

anyways. i got promoted. i am quitting my second job @ [REDACTED]. it's bittersweet. i am extremely grateful for them and the opportunities they've given me. i take pride in my work ethic, just one of those things i care heavy about, i dunno. but it still makes me feel awkward to hear and accept that they think i'm a "fantastic asset" and are going to miss me. it makes me feel weird. like oh, my bad! i didn't mean to lead you guys on or anything, like... i suck, actually. (LOUD BUZZER NOISE ---- > negative self-talk. i know, it's bad)

i've been feeling so stressed out. it feels like a lot is happening, or rather changing, in such a short amount of time. i know it's gonna be okay. i have to chill out or it's going to kill me. i can feel the stress on my heart sometimes lmfao.

nick is growing vegetables. resident evil 9 was ok (i am not a huge fan of the franchise). help desk has been open an hour and i've only gotten one call. weird. i miss bryce. he will be here soon! i need to add the button he made for me somewhere on here. i haven't yet only because i am usually editing this at work and his website is the only one blocked for me here hehe. speaking of that, i realized Manage Engine loves to inject a shit ton of scripts into my code when i edit it here. very annoying. (our sysadmin is cool, i am not worried about any of this btw, feel the need to clarify).