★ i was rain and i wanted to be the ocean (08/30/2026) ☆

my job is taking years off of my life. probably. idk. it's been very stressful. i know i am doing a good job... but! oh myyyyyy. this shit hard. i scratch my head at how people can pursue this career without having any actual personal interest in it. like on the hardest days... i'd break. but boy, i love 'puters. i guess. just not People so much, sometimes. big big sigh. it'll have to get easier. it's just hard right now.

i dream of.. fantasize about.. will into existence a life better than this one currently. it is not all bad, at all. but it's a transitionary period for sure. things will change, matter-of-factly. certain factors just have to... and i wonder what those changes will bring about. i have an obviously preferred ideal version of the way everything will play out. i can only hope.

i have been having a lot of thought spirals lately. maybe getting myself uber high to then just sit and overthink everything i have ever done in my whole life is a form of self-harm lol. my anxiety will be the death of me if i don't learn how to control it. i know there are folks who probably occasionally stumble here to hate-read what i write... and all i gotta say is... i pay my penance, brother. trust. i'm sorry.

i back myself into so many corners. it's a shame. i desire a level of platonic intimacy that (i think) would require a level of vulnerability i am not comfortable with. i don't know how to be myself. i question who "myself" is sometimes. i miss the mountains. i miss feeling like i was floating. i wish i were taking a nap in a field with the sun shining on my face. i wish i were in new mexico with bryce watching that '70s show. i wish i were tripping and taking a walk out in the freezing cold.

i have been obsessed with dead by daylight. playing it with korrin, bryce, and comrade has been the highlight of my days. i have a 3 day weekend coming. yay.

YOU CAN'T AFFORD A HOT DOG (08/08/2026) ☆

helllllooooo. work has been kinda crazy for me. i really want to do more around here... scrambled eggs for brains though.
i've been good. a lot has been going on. ummm.... yeah. i dunno. i'm a little high. i wanna play gmod but no one is on. i might hop on BO2. bryce said he's coming down here in Decemeber and i am soooo excited. i get 2 weeks off. >:)

★ and who am i to interfere with god's plan? (05/18/2026) ☆

i am at home. i am very high. oh lord.

waiting for Nick to come home. he is off in 1 minute. i kind of want to go to Goodwill, so maybe we will go to Goodwill. work was tiresome but it went by fast. i have been feeling a lot better, so that's good. i really like my life right now. i feel anxious about a lot still, yes. but overall, i am very content. i wish Bryce were here. that's the main thing i think about a lot. i am so lucky to have a friend like him in my life. i don't know what i'd do without him. i need to respond to his texts... (sorry brucie D;)