★ which sin do you relish the most? (11/07/2025) ☆

look at the current state of the world! and you're asking me to reset your [REDACTED] password? GROW UP!

hehe, my job gives me a headache sometimes. i have plans for tomorrow that i'm not really looking foward to. i feel forced to confront things that i've very intentionally been ignoring. it feels like a lot. i know it's not... not really. but it feels like it. it will be a good reminder that i have no idea what i'm doing. (it's honestly probably not that deep, i'm just looking at things in this phooey vaccum)

you really confuse me sometimes. and this confusion further enforces this idea i have that ____ ___ ____ __ __ ______ ______ ___. which totally sucks btw. it's actually not your fault at all though. i could reframe it, look at it from a different perspective. ultimately, it's actually kind of whatever and i'm enforcing it all by myself. i need to escape this box i've accidentally trapped myself in.

...but it's sooooo hard. which sin do you relish the most btw?

i had to take everything (for the most part) in my office down and hide it away to appease the fire marshal and it's so depressing in here now.

★ watching you - heavens (11/06/2025) ☆

i feel so unfulfilled. but it's 100% my fault. i think, i have been feeling kind of lonely. my best friend lives 900 miles away and i live at least an hour away from everyone here, which makes it difficult to see them on a whim. i very easily could see them more with the right planning. but after working and getting so little sleep throughout the week, it's hard to find the will to commit to anything for the weekend. and sometimes i work then too, so it doesn't really matter. it feels like that's all my life is right now. getting what little sleep i can, working, coming home to cook, clean, and contemplate because i find myself far too depressed/tired to engage in anything stimulating.

i'm so grateful to have Nick. i'm so grateful for the space that we have created together. it keeps me grounded. he is so effortlessly hilarious, intelligent, resilient, patient, understanding, and cool as fuck. aside from him being the love of my life, i respect him so much as a person. i thank the universe for him everyday.

i have been so anxious. about everything, always. it feels all-consuming sometimes. i think it's heavily contributing to these feelings of... "who even am i?". i'm curious as to how other people perceive me. maybe it'd give me a better grasp on... existing? not necessarily that this would dictate how i'd carry myself or anything. i don't have the words to properly articulate my thought process on this one, but it makes sense to me. i guess it would make me feel more real. sometimes i feel so unreal. like i'm the embodiment of an out-of-focus picture, if that makes sense.

i try to romanticize the mundane to make it easier. sometimes it comes easily, naturally. other times, it's a very conscious effort. anyways, they're always watching you. and you can't do anything about it, but it should still make you angry.